When questions are the answers

You've heard people say that consultants charge you a bunch of money to ask you what you think, and then tell you what you already know. But I don’t think that’s actually fair (and not just because I do my share of consultancy work, either). You see, what I have to wonder is this: did you actually know that you knew that thing you already knew before you were asked what you thought? Or, did you only realise you already knew whatever it was because you were asked?

The thing with questions is that they get under the surface. They poke, and they probe. They make you think. And they maybe even make you squirm a little. And, all that getting under the surface, poking, probing, thinking and maybe even squirming leads you to good, robust answers to your situation, whatever that may be.

And it's a principle not limited to consultants. In fact, it’s a principle that sits at the very heart of coaching. As your coach, I know that you are the expert, and that I’m just along for the ride - a curious observer of your journey who will ask you all sorts of questions about where we are headed, and why. And, if I play my part right, then the questions I ask will draw out the answers you need to shine a light on the solution you already had within your grasp, but couldn’t see.

But the value of asking questions is not limited to the domains of consultancy and coaching. Far from it. The value of asking questions can be seen in pretty much every aspect of day-to-day life. And you don’t need to be specially trained to tap into that value - either as recipient or giver. But, for the purposes of this conversation, I want to focus on the value you can unleash as ‘giver’ through the questions you ask.

If you are like most people, then you get asked for advice from time-to-time. It could be as mundane as which movie to go and see at the local multiplex, to which car to buy, right on through to which stocks to invest a pension in, which business opportunity to seize, or which firm to go and work for, for example. And those people who come to you for advice will learn much, much more from the questions you ask than the answers you offer.  Trust me, I've seen it happen many times, both inside and outside of my professional arena: when you start with a 'why', 'what', 'where' or 'when', and end with a question mark, a journey towards success begins. 

And, no, by offering questions instead of advice, you aren’t being evasive, or ducking the issue. The time for advice, if indeed there turns out to be a need for advice at all, is when the person seeking your advice is done thinking - done dealing with your questions. Then, and only then, are you in a position to offer insight from your expertise and experience. Insight that now has a context - a purpose - and is specific. Insight that enhances rather than forms, enlightens rather than instructs. Insight that can be used to follow through on the solution they found for themselves by answering your questions.

You see, the thing is, if you are facing a situation, I don't know what you need to do. I may, or may not, have faced similar situations or decisions, but all I can ever know is what I would need, or choose, to do if I was in your shoes. Which, at that moment you come to me in search of advice, I'm not. So my solution is not your solution: it is my solution. And, sure, my solution may turn out to be close to the one you come up with for yourself but, if it does turn out that way, it’s all too often down to little more than a happy coincidence.

And that’s the crux of why questions matter: they remove coincidence. And it is in removing coincidence that the real power of questions, and the reason why you should question more than you advise, lies. But, the role of questioner is often a harder one to play than advisor. It can be more challenging, present more bumps in the road, lead to awkward moments, and, sometimes, even a slowing of momentum. And, if you are a fixer, or someone who sees solutions, or even if presenting questions when asked to provide advice is not something you'd naturally think to do, you may find it even harder to play the role of questioner, or curious observer.

So, how can you move from giving advice - providing the answers - to simply asking questions? By developing, and practicing, a new response mechanism. OK, sounds simple enough, but how exactly does that work? Well, something like this...

Imagine your cell rings and you look at the screen and see it's me.

You: "Hi Andy! Good to hear from you. What's up?"

Me: "Hey! Do you have a minute? You see, I have this problem [pause while I explain it]. What do you think I should do?"

You: "Well, that's a tricky one, but I think what you need to do is [pause while you give me the answer]."

Me: "Thanks, I'll try that."

End of conversation, and I try and use your solution, which may work, or it may not. And, if it does work, I most likely will not feel the same sense of achievement because my solution to my issue was not really my solution, it was yours - I couldn’t solve my situation on my own. And, if it doesn’t work, chances are your cell will light up with my number again, as I call to pour out some blame in your direction for the fact that my situation didn’t get any better because your solution bombed.

Much better is if I take responsibility. Much better is if I find a solution that fits both me and my situation. That way, if I succeed, I feel great - I fixed my situation all by myself (thanks in no small part to your questions, of course, but the solution was all mine). And, if it doesn’t work, that’s on me, no-one else. After all, the solution I tried was all mine. So, what if that same conversation of a moment ago had played out something a little more like this…

You: "Hi Andy! Good to hear from you. What's up?"

Me: "Hey! Do you have a minute? You see, I have this problem [pause while I explain it]. What do you think I should do?"

You: "Well, that's a tough situation. How does that make you feel?"

I answer.

You: "OK, so in an ideal world, what would you like to see happen?"

I think for a bit, and answer.

You: "Great! That sounds like a really good outcome. What do you think would need to happen to get to that point?"

I think some more and answer.

You: "That sounds like it could really work, you know, Andy. What would be a good first step you could take right now?”

I ‘umm’ and ‘ahh’ for a moment or two, and then answer.

You: “Awesome! I’m excited to hear how that goes this week. And, if you decide it would be helpful for us to kick around a few ideas on some of the specifics when you get to them, you’ve only got to pick up the phone.”

Me: "Sure, I'd like that, thanks!"

See what happened there? I found my own solution. And not just my solution, but also my first action to make that solution actually happen. And, because it's my solution, it's relevant to me, it makes sense to me, and I own it. I'm invested in making it happen. And, when I want specific input - maybe some skills and expertise to complete a specific action, I know I can call on you to bring your expertise and experience to help me make it happen. 

And do you know what follows that process? Success.

So, how about focusing on playing that out for real this week. Concentrate on asking questions rather than providing solutions. When someone looks to you to fix their situation, take a step back and, instead of reaching for your toolkit of knowledge, expertise and experience, do a bit of poking, probing, challenging and pushing. Use questions as your answers. And do you know what will happen? You’ll feel fantastic as you watch someone navigate their way to true light-bulb moments, and the person navigating their way will feel empowered and equipped for what lies ahead. When you use questions as your answers, it really is a win-win.

And, of course, it works both ways. So, before we wrap up this conversation, as you navigate your way through your adventure into becoming the real you and living your best life, I want to encourage you to invite challenge and questions rather than pursue answers. Look for, and learn to cherish, the people who provide that challenge and are prepared to ask you the tough questions that lead you to your own answers. Because, remember, you are building your best life, not anyone else’s, and only you can know what that looks like.